Maybe this comes as a shock to those of you who know me well, know me as a hopeless romantic, but I actually find Valentine’s Day to be super silly. I mean, every other day of the year it’s not important to tell someone you love them, then all of a sudden, February 14 rolls around, and you have to give cards, candy, flowers, etc. Silly.

With that being said, I got back from my lunch break yesterday at work and had a call from the Security Desk. Something had arrived for me and I needed to come get it. Lo and behold, there was a bouquet of tulips in pink and purple from Sean and Owen. So sweet.

We’ve been having tons of rain here and I’m pretty much sick of it. Is it too much to ask for warmer weather and the sun? Apparently so. And I heard that silly groundhog saw his shadow this year, so 6 more weeks? Ugh!!

I’ve been struggling with guilt lately, mainly because I’m taking my first trip without Owen. I’ve never left him for longer than 24 hours before, so 5 days is a huge jump for me. (If you don’t like reading about breastfeeding, then skip on to the next paragraph.) So, with the disclaimer out of the way, I’m still nursing Owen. I guess I’m a hippy mom, or earth mom, or whatever term you want to use. That’s me. He’s only nursing at night time before bed (we set the timer for 2 minutes….mainly because it’s really starting to annoy me.) He has been waking up this past week about once during the night to nurse, but for a while was going all night without it. I’m almost (selfishly) hoping that this trip will wean him from me. I love the fact I’m still providing him with antibodies and all this good stuff, but I just feel like it’s been almost 3 years. I’m done. I’m BEYOND done. Sometimes I secretly cringe inside when  he asks to nurse. I feel my skin crawling and hair standing up on end. I just want to hide. It’s hard to even type that, but that’s exactly how I feel. So…I’m hoping that this trip will be the little shove he we need to get past this.

Mom and I are flying to Oklahoma to spend a few days with my Grams. She’s getting older (who isn’t?) and I feel the need to help out my mom, and do whatever needs to be done. Our last trip to Oklahoma with Owen was wonderful, and I’m so glad my Grams got to see Owen, but it was incredibly stressful. Sean stayed back in Cali and it was hard without a second set of hands. I’m looking forward to this trip, but still dealing with little twinges of guilt every now and then. And the trip is 5 weeks away.

I KNOW that Owen will be fine. I KNOW Sean can take care of him while I’m gone. But its been hard to convince my heart of this.

Okay, I should probably go and clean out the fridge. I swear something in there stinks to high heaven, but I can’t find what it is. Gross.


About Erin

I'm a mom to the sweetest little boys ever, Owen & Colin. Owen was born in April of 2007 after 22 hours of active labor in a hospital. Love him more than life. Knowing I didn't feel another hospital birth was right for me, Colin was born at home surrounded by our 2 midwives and our little family. I've been married to my hubs for 7 years. We met in 1997 in an AOL Chatroom...the rest is history. I'm crazy. I'm funny. I am socially awkward. This is my life.

2 responses »

  1. I’m asking this genuinely, not sarcastically or judgmentally: if you are THAT done with bf’ing Owen, and he isn’t dependent on it in any way, then why are you still doing it?

    I’m just curious about the mindset. I don’t care how long people choose to BF, but I was always under the impression that they LIKED it.

    • To be honest, I don’t know. I guess on some level I feel like I’d fail him somehow if I were to enforce the weaning. Does that make sense? I always always wanted to breastfeed, and it was just natural to me, since my mom nursed all 3 of us girls. Taylor and I chose to self-wean around 2 and 2 1/2, but Kat, the baby, finally weaned when she was closer to 5. (Sorry Mom…honesty is the best policy.) I always thought that was ridiculous, but looking back, I see that this is what my mom thought was best for her. And I have to accept that, because as a mom now of a “high needs” child, I feel this is what Owen needs. And when he doesn’t need it any longer, he won’t ask for it. I feel like I’m rambling and trying to justify, but I have no reason what I’m even trying to justify, especially when I don’t enjoy it all that much.
      I enjoy bonding with him. I LOVE when he plays with my hair while he’s nursing. I love that it’s our special time that no one else will ever understand, so maybe I do it because I’m afraid to lose those things with him.

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