Some Random Thoughts

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Now that I’m more than halfway through this pregnancy, my mind starts to play tricks on me. (This also happened when I was pregnant with Owen, so I more or less expected it at some point…) What if I can’t push this baby out? What if I seriously just freak the heck out and panic and can’t calm down and I’m stuck at home? I seriously just start to play the “what if” game and my brain won’t turn it off. I get all scared and start crying and really think that I’ll fail at this.

And that’s what I’m afraid of. Failing.

At childbirth. At mothering. At something my body was designed to do. What if I just can’t do it?

I get all worried inside, just like the first day of 7th grade. My first time at a public school with more than 10 kids in my grade level. And I just hear my mom telling me I gonna get an ulcer if I don’t let it go. (For the record, I hated going to school. I would worry myself to sleep at night and wake up with an upset stomach every morning.) I never learned to let it go.

I’m assuming this is normal and all pregnant women go through this at some point, especially when planning a first time home birth. Right? RIGHT??

On a more positive note, I made a delicious batch of cherry limeades, so I’ve been enjoying those lately.

And we get to look at houses on Thursday. Yeah!

I seriously worry too much.

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About Erin

I'm a mom to the sweetest little boys ever, Owen & Colin. Owen was born in April of 2007 after 22 hours of active labor in a hospital. Love him more than life. Knowing I didn't feel another hospital birth was right for me, Colin was born at home surrounded by our 2 midwives and our little family. I've been married to my hubs for 7 years. We met in 1997 in an AOL Chatroom...the rest is history. I'm crazy. I'm funny. I am socially awkward. This is my life.

2 responses »

  1. Do Not get freaked out!!! You are doing the best possible thing!! You are the best mom. Nothing will change that. You can email or txt me anytime… even during labor! I need to practice my midwife skills haha!

  2. Aw, the freak out. I managed to strangle mine to silence throughout pregnancy with inspiring birth quotes and by fast forwarding through the difficult parts of birth videos. I told myself over and over that I would be one of the rare who magically had that orgasmic birth (although I was a little worried that I’d have an orgasm with an audience, embarrassing). So, other than a bit of yoga and fantasizing (which both did help tremendously) I did little preparation. During labor all of those fears and a few more reared their ugly head. I even begged to be taken to the hospital and asked why I didn’t just schedule a c-section. At one moment Rachel kindly reminded me that women in comas can birth their babies, and I asked her to put me in a coma. The great news is that I chose the right team and they believed in me even when I didn’t. I was gently, carefully, and respectfully guided through each moment of terror. I was honored, but never rescued. Your first home birth is a hugely momentous event. One that empowers you by giving you choices rather than allowing you to take a backseat. This can be a little scary, but the truth is there is no such thing as failure when you take this route. You research and prepare the best you know how and then you follow your instincts. Once you have done that you have succeeded, regardless of the outcome. You are a strong woman committed to doing the best for your family and you have chosen excellent navigators. Failure is no longer even a possibility.

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